I Accidentally Quit Drinking
January 2024
This still surprises me but last January I accidentally quit drinking. My body had been telling me for a while that it didn’t want any more alcohol in it, but I wasn’t listening.
I was very sad and very stressed out in December. I had a terrible job and a broken heart. My anxiety was through the roof trying to manage my way through both of those things. I went back to work the day after Christmas because the company was planning on layoffs in January and I had to help prepare the communications. How festive. I completed as much as I could and wanted to sink into my couch and dissociate and disappear, but I managed to drag myself out for an early New Year’s Eve celebration with friends. I was too depressed and tired to actually have fun, but somehow my glass kept getting refilled.
When I arrived home, I knew I’d had more than what I’d planned on and more than I wanted. I was sad, I felt gross and foggy, it wasn’t even a fun buzz. I was so annoyed with myself. I had wanted to stay home and I should have. I didn’t have the energy or spirit to go out and have fun, but I forced it and now here I was, full of wine that was just making me feel gross.
The next morning wasn’t a violent hangover, more like a gross gray fog that stuck to me and enveloped me and pushed me down into the dirt. I felt terrible. But I knew something true: I don’t want any more alcohol in my body. I just don’t want it.
So I decided to stop. I wanted my body to feel clean and clear. I wanted my mind to feel clean and clear too but that felt unattainable at the time. I didn’t create any rules around it - I told myself I could have a drink if I really wanted one, but it turned out that if I really thought about it, I never really wanted one. There were a few times when I poured a small glass of gin just because I thought I might want it, or I missed it. I’d take a sip and think, nope, I don’t want this and pour it out.
I still have bottles in my house - they just no longer tempt me. The blue bottle of Bombay Sapphire that has been sitting in my freezer untouched for months is so pretty - but now I enjoy how it looks more than I enjoy its contents.
It’s a really weird thing that I feel lucky to be experiencing.
But there is a loss of identity - I’d been a drinker, and a good one, for over 20 years. I loved having a glass of wine or spirits in my hand. I loved the warm fuzzy fun feeling it gave me. But I realized the warm fuzzy fun had been replaced by a sleepy headache and more anxiety. The magic is gone. My body has rejected it. And the worst/best news is, I feel so much better without it. Ugh. I wouldn’t have believed it 2 years ago.
I thought I had managed moderation just fine and alcohol didn't really affect me. But I had no accurate baseline! It took about 9 months before I realized how much dullness and numbness even moderate drinking cast over me. Every now and then I think I might just like a sip. To remember the taste, or to remember that I really don’t want it anymore. Last month I was out with friends and I could smell my friend Dave’s tequila drink and it smelled so good! But even though I have given myself permission to pour or order whatever I really, really want whenever I want, it turns out what I want the most is a clear head, a good sleep, and to feel refreshed in the morning. At least for now. I miss the old me, but whatever this is now is good too.